If You Give a Rat Some Poison


Many of you probably know the popular story If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, well this is the lesser known version… it really surprises me that it has yet to catch on in the children’s literary world…


If you give a rat some poison

He will probably mistake your death threat for an invitation to crawl into your shoe bin and spend the night

Once he is in for the night

He will probably need a snack and your new (not so cheap) leather sandals smell oh-so-divine

After he has chewed his way through the beaded straps

He will feel guilty about his overindulgence in the shoe department and proceed to run frantic laps around your room in order to burn off some of the calories from his earlier sandal binge

While he is running laps

He will realize that he has to use the bathroom which stresses him out for a brief moment until he remembers that your whole room is his bathroom and all is well again

Once the bathroom situation is resolved

He will decide it is time to rest and mysteriously disappear into a hole in your wall guarded by an disturbingly large spider that can withstand obscene amounts of chemical spray and shoe whacks

When a new night comes

He will again invite himself to enter your cozy room as an escape from the impending rain, and upon arrival to his lovely rat motel he will discover a small welcoming present from the landlord

First he will sniff the poisoned avocado 

And finally, after a long and tedious battle of glue traps and mice traps and brooms and rocks, his gluttonous ways will lead to his downfall as he scarfs down the avocado chunk and munches one last time on your hidden shoe

Not one to leave peacefully

He will crawl behind your largest piece of furniture to claim a final resting place almost impossible to reach and detectible only by the stench of rotting rat

If you give a rat some poison 

You must be prepared to deal with the entire process, from failed death threats to your foe’s particularly smelly demise, and worst of all the prospect that your departed rat nemesis was apparently quite the family man.

The End


ps- this story is based on true (and disgusting) events from real life

rainy season = rat season

dry season cannot come soon enough!!!



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